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To Worry is a Waste of Time

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To Worry is a Waste of Time

Monthly Archives: March 2010

An email I will never send.

30 Tuesday Mar 2010

Posted by sarahdanielle89 in Uncategorized

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Dear Directing II Professor,

Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck….YOU.

How dare you run off to Arkansas to go have fun and leave me here with the most incompetent ridiculous ugly ass teacher as replacement?

I took your class for many reasons, one of them being the hope that I would NEVER have to take a class with Gina.

Do you understand that I would rather eat a plate of my own hair than sit in a room with her for more than 5 minutes??

Nothing she has ever directed, be it a main stage production or just one of her acting class showcases, has been even remotely good.

In fact, I always leave whatever she has directed wishing I could have the 3 hours of my life that I wasted back, plus an extra hour for my pain and suffering.

So basically, I’m paying for these credit hours and since I cannot get a refund for the classes you are not teaching, I’m just going to go ahead and spend my time and money in a more productive way.

I hope you understand,

Sarah.

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Maybe its just me….

22 Monday Mar 2010

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So I just came home from work where I accidentally walked in on my boss doing an autopsy on a hamster. I’m taking like cut all the way open, blood and organs everywhere, sad and dead but once adorable. It was DISGUSTING.

So after my very yucky day at work I came home and was excited to see that my house was empty. I’m the sort that likes to relax in private, with nobody around to bother me. I happily hunkered down on the couch with my lap top and before I knew it, my roommate was home.

Now, before I go further I want say that I DO actually like my roommate. Sure, I’m not going to want to be a bridesmaid in her wedding and I certainly am not gonna be like “lets go on vacation together!” but I do get along with her. We have similar interests, she thinks I’m funny, and up until lately she’s been very easy to live with. Does she get on my nerves? OF COURSE. Do I hate her? NO.

But she has this uncanny ability to know when I’m least wanting company and then providing me with it. For example instead of going into our room to do whatever it is she’s doing, she brought all the items she’s currently using out to the living room.

Which is certainly not a crime. The living room is public space and I do not fault her for this. But I guess its just weird hermit me who, if the roles were reversed would come home, see Roommate in the living room quietly working on her computer, and go into the bedroom to do whatever I wanted to do.

This has happened in the past where I will be in one part of the house, looking for some semblance of peace and quiet and she will get her things and come join me, then I usually after a couple of minutes will get up and go into our bedroom only to usually have her follow.

A normal person would probably just say “hey socially incompetent roommate, I kinda wanna be alone right now…” but I am not normal and I am also kind of pissed that Roommate literally has no ability to follow social cues. It’s not like I’m getting up and saying “I think I’ll retire to the bedroom why don’t you join me?” I’m literally getting up and wordlessly going into our room and yet she insists on following me like a lost puppy. The weirder part to me is that its not like we’re socializing out here. I’m sitting here and not speaking, we are not watching television, I am not even acknowledging her really but still she wants to follow me from room to room…

Like I said. Maybe its just me.

Washed Away

22 Monday Mar 2010

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My spring break has, very sadly, come and gone.

In my three years of college so far I have not ever liked spring break. The idea of a break that lasted only a week seemed mean. Too long to have the carefree feel of a three day weekend but too short to actually do anything fun. Freshman and Sophomore year I merely trudged home for the week and while I saw some friends I never did anything fun and the weather always sucked.

But this was magical because the weather was not only wonderful but I also had my wonderful boyfriend by my side to enjoy it with. And I would like to state here that I went out into a wooded area and walked around in a sleeveless top for at least an hour. Be proud internet, be proud.

Having the Prof here was magical it really was.

Which is probably why when I dropped him off at the airport this morning I openly wept.

This was after I cried for a solid half hour the night before. Prof held me close to him while I sobbed loud ugly wailing tears, alternating between stroking my hair and wiping said tears away and saying “it’s okay, it’s okay” over and over. When I had finally exhausted myself from crying I fell asleep. Only to wake up this morning and cry more WHEEEE WHAT FUN!! I cried so hard I actually started to gag. I was hell bent on getting things packed and ready and also making the Prof challah french toast, which is like the only breakfast food I’m really good at making other than quiche. But I was crying so much and it was so hard to stop and I kept fucking gagging. Poor Prof really looked horrified when this happened. Now, he’s dealt with my “why are you leaving me to go back to chicago where I know you live but don’t want you to the world is ending why god why” tears on multiple occasions now but I’ve never cried so hard that I gagged. If I hadn’t been sobbing like a dead puppy had just said “why didn’t you save me!?” to me  I might have laughed as he gingerly backed away from my crazy ass as I alternated between trying to catch my breath and GAGGING ON MY TEARS. Dear internet, I know you all wanna have sex with me.

SIDENOTE THE WORST HOUSEMATE IN THE WORLD JUST CAME IN AND STARTED RANTING TO ME BECAUSE I WAS THE ONLY ONE IN THE LIVING ROOM AND NOW I’M TRAPPED AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH NOOOOO WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME.

Blah

14 Sunday Mar 2010

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Her giant toiletry bag is sitting in the bathroom.

I do not approve.

Better

08 Monday Mar 2010

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Today is a better day, and this is going to be a better week.

Its finally warm enough for me to wear my magical red jacket, the one that makes me feel sexy and chic and like I can take on the whole world!

After a weekend full of cat dander, ex or something like it drama, and major emotional strain I’m resolving to take stock in all the good things I have.

I’ve never been so happy to see a Monday.

So without further ado:

1. I’ve been getting marginally good grades so far *knock on some damn wood for me people*

2. I do not feel overwhelmed despite a full class schedule, two pretty demanding theatrical endeavors, and a part time job.

3. I have the use of a vehicle!!! I can drive myself wherever I want! With music on! YAYYYY

4. We shut the heat off for the day!

5. I’m going to see my beloved boyfriend a week from tomorrow!!! DOUBLE YAYYYY

6. I’m in a comfortable place financially.

7. My bedroom is clean 🙂

8. I have three days of classes left before spring break!

9. I’m almost a senior which means I’m almost graduated! (sorta)

10. I have wonderful funny people to call my friends.

Also, a woman won best director! FUCK YES. In your FACE James Cameron.

Cope

07 Sunday Mar 2010

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When I was 16 my best friend’s mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. I remember, very vividly, standing in my living room while she told me. She cried a little and I hugged her and I was sort of happy.

I know that sounds like the worst thing ever, I know. I was just so relieved, I had a sick mother too and maybe now I could have someone to talk to about it. Maybe someone else would understand.

The day V’s mom went into remission I cried a lot, even though this period of cancer had not been the “sharing of feelings fest”I had hoped for. V barely talked about her mother’s cancer unless she was complaining about how it was affecting her life. I was painfully jealous, her Mom could be cured. A little under a year of crap and she was fine while my mother just got worse and worse.

I’m such a good friend. Clearly.

When I was living at home I was constantly bombarded by my Mother’s MS. It was in my thoughts always and the best way I can describe it… is like a dull headache, or a sore back. Its there and it sucks but you just get on with your life. Mostly I just got angry. For me, anger was a lot easier to fix. I would scream my brains out, I would throw something, play loud music, write long bitchy journal entries, have a long sexual text conversation with whatever guy I was fooling around with at the time and made myself feel powerful, I would sneak the van out at 3 am when nobody was on the road and drive it down route 95 north at 100 miles an hour. After any of these I was able to quell the headache, the backache. It went back to its normal state of present but quiet.

I rarely cried then, except when I was alone, or with my Dad. I once had such a bad fight with my mom over her not taking her medication that he had to come and get me because I swore to him on the phone that I was going to hit her. I was going to, and I’ve never really hit anyone in my life but I know that that night I would have. He was living in a basement apartment in Winchester at the time and it was absolutely freezing no matter how high you turned the heat up. I sat on the futon, which used to live at my house but had moved away along with him. I cried so much I made myself sick. I literally cried for hours straight, just wailed until I gave myself the chills and a fever and was on the verge of puking. He wrapped me in this pink blanket that we had called the “space blanket” when I was young and I remember being pissed when, the first winter after he had moved out I realized he had taken it with him. He let me keep it wrapped around myself when he finally drove me home and its been mine ever since. Even though his apartment was sub zero and he needed every blanket he could get.

Thats the kind of stuff my Dad does, and has always done for me. My Mom used to do that back in the day too. Before she was sick. But now she’s too depressed to think of anybody else.

Once I went away to college it got better. One day I woke up and I was free and I wasn’t so perpetually pissed. Until I had to go home for Thanksgiving Break and I laid in my dorm bed and cried.

And I have been crying ever since.

The anger is just replaced with sadness.

Because when I had to see my Mom suffer every day I could deal, but seeing it every couple of months? Its almost worse.

Every time I come home its worse. She can’t use the walker anymore, or she has to use adult diapers now. Its always something.

And I don’t have ways to make this better. I can’t stop the crying. All I can do is try and numb myself. Or sleep until I have to be awake. Or throw myself into a project. But the sadness is always there, threatening to embarrass me by making me burst into tears into public. Being in love, it helps as much as it can but its hard when I don’t have the luxury of being able to kiss him everyday. And I can imagine listening to someone cry on the phone nightly is boring and difficult.

Tonight, as I try to sleep so I can go with my Mother to an open house tomorrow for a nursing home that she needs to move into, I am finding it hard to stop crying.

I put on a podcast to help me think of other things, and the story is about a mother who had terminal cancer but decided she still wanted to be an influence on her 16 year old daughter’s life. She wrote her tons of letters on her deathbed and instructed her husband to deliver them to their daughter once a year on her birthday. She also included one for her wedding day.

And its not fair. This is not something I will ever have. Likely when my mom dies she will have long lost control over her body as well as her mind. I have not received a birthday present from my Mother in 4 years. If she’s alive when I get married her presence will not be soothing and motherly, it will disrupt everything,require special arrangements, stress me out and make me jealous and sad of some poor girl whose mother DIED. Dead and gone.

And its just. Not fair. And I’m just going to cry until I’m dehydrated.

El Despertador

02 Tuesday Mar 2010

Posted by sarahdanielle89 in Uncategorized

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My alarm clock failed me this morning.

Well not really my alarm clock, more like me. I failed myself.

I use my phone as an alarm clock, its easy, doesn’t take up space and I can set multiple alarms, Its great. Except times like last night, when in my mentally and physically exhausted stupor I accidentally set my alarm for 11:32, as opposed to 8:32. I fell asleep rather quickly last night, while listening to the soothing sounds of the first Harry Potter movie.

Side Note! Recently our basement flooded and we had to call the property manager and we didn’t have heat and it was miserable experience that took up the better part of a day. Ever since the handy man came to fix it, the house has made some sort of vibrating rumbling sound every 7 minutes or so and a large gush of water comes out of a pipe on the side of the house, which happens to be directly under my bedroom window. It goes on this way, all night long and it’s been keeping us up. Our solution is just to leave the TV so that we can sleep and not go IN-FUCKING-SANE BECAUSE ITS THE MOST WEIRD AND ANNOYING SOUND EVERRRRR. Now I don’t know a lot about old houses, nor have I ever lived in a house that was prone to flooding. Maybe this is a normal occurrence? Somehow I don’t think so.

Anyway point is, last night was like… the best night of sleep I’ve had in a long time. So good, in fact that I woke up, OF MY OWN ACCORD, at 6:35 am (those who know me who are reading this probably just dropped their jaw so fast and far that it detached and hit the floor). I looked at my phone and saw the time and said “Oh hell no, I still have two more hours” and rolled over, and fell back to sleep.

But then the alarm never went off. I (by some stroke of luck) opened one eye and glanced at the time and it read 8:59. I had to leave for the bus in approx. 12 minutes if I wanted to get there on time. And it was my 3 person directing class in which I had to act in a scene showing, so yes, I wanted to get there on time.

I leapt from bed and then proceeded to get ready for school, the fastest I think I have ever gotten ready in my life ever. I washed my face, brushed my teeth, put my hair up, got dressed (in a cute outfit!), packed my backpack, walked to the bus stop and got to school by 9:21 for my 9:30 class.

Its days like this that I’m glad I am not your typical girl in some ways. When I was staying in Chicago this winter one of Prof’s friends from high school and his girlfriend stayed at the apartment for a couple days. The girlfriend was very pretty and tall and fashionable but it seemed to be at the expense of their vacation. Any time they wanted to go and do anything, sight-see, get dinner etc she needed, I kid you not, a minimum 40 minutes to get ready. Or at least thats what it seemed like. She’d do her hair, pick out an outfit, re-pick out the outfit, do her makeup (I glanced in her makeup bag when I was in the bathroom, it was chock full of products!) She even obsessed over whether she looked stupid wearing two scarves. (Its Chicago in the dead of winter….who the heck cares?!!?)

I may not  always be stylish, or have any clue how to adequately apply most makeup, but at the very least in the event of an emergency I can get my ass dressed and out the door in 20 minutes flat.

boo-yah.

Poop List.

01 Monday Mar 2010

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1. Arriving to school so thirsty I was willing to part with FIVE!! precious-meant-for-laundry quarters in order to get a Dasani from the vending machine only to have it be sold out (the fucking sold out light was not lit up and this makes me even angrier) and then not give me my money back!!!!!

2. My Spanish teacher calling everyone up to do their oral exams minus me, and like three other boys. Now I have to lay awake at night obsessing over my lack of ability to improvise in English, let alone Espanol until Wednesday.

3. Mistaking “clam roll” at the dining commons for “popcorn chicken” and then nearly vomiting all over my laptop. Normally I would have read the sign but I was too busy not paying attention like a special person.

It’s only 1pm, things must get better from here!

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