I am the master of convincing myself I feel or think a certain way. Even if I most certainly don’t.
Mostly because sometime during high school someone explained “fake it til you make it” to me.
This was in the context of happiness. Because I was a sullen teenager (though I may have had a couple of good reasons to be morose that sort of attitude never attracts good attention of any kind.)
“Sarah you need to be happy!” My wise dear friend told me.
“But I’m not happy, I can’t just instantly be happy!” I whined.
“I know you can’t be happy instantly but you just have to try. Sarah you have to fake happy til you make happy!” The sagest of sage told me.
And I probably scowled and rolled my eyes at the time.
But its stuck with me. This whole faking business. For example that is how I became fairly confident with my body. Because Cosmo told me that men would be instantly drawn to a confident woman and I wasn’t confident at all. But I started to fake confidence. Like it was a part I was playing; sexy confident high school girl number 6. And it worked. I pretended I was hot shit (in an understated way of course) and the boys noticed. They paid me attention and I blushed and got all warm inside and my confidence was born. Of course I’d love to say I discovered a love for my body in a field reading feminist poetry in my doc martins. But nope. I’m old fashioned and male attention was all it took.
I also lie to myself about other people. Especially those that hurt me. I have a compulsion to hang onto them in some way or another. I tell myself “It wasn’t all their fault” or “they are only human and they have many other good qualities that make them worth it.”
I’m not sure exactly why I do this but I do. I file the people away in a little cabinet in my mind and when they pop out I stand there shocked like… “didn’t I forgive you and bury you under a pile of shit in my brain?” and they’re like “you thought wrong suckaaahhhh.”
yesterday in my facebook inbox:
Subject title: Random Stuff
So now that im not as immature and selfish as i was when i actually knew u i want to appoligize for beign a scumbag to u. for what its worth im not trying to get back in touch or anything. I just thought of u the other day and legit got upset with myself for being a dick haha. Well it probably means nothign to you but just wanted to let you know. Hope all is well and that your mom is doing well 🙂 take care
And yes I am ashamed I ever hooked up with someone who is so clearly unintelligent but he was hot give me a break.
This was from an old “flame” I guess you could call him. A boy I met in the supermarket when I was 17 while I was shopping with my mother. My mom was walking (or rather hobbling like an 80 year old leaning all her weight on the cart and taking 10000 years to pick up groceries and generally humiliating me) when an extremely handsome boy came over and asked if we needed help. I’ll never forget that I was wearing my baby blue gap t shirt. He tracked me down through friends of friends of friends. He did what most guys did to me at that time. He pretended to be genuinely interested in me and we would stay up late having soul baring conversations in my back yard on my swing set. And we would go for joy rides. And we would watch movies. And he would hold my hand. And I would fall for him. And this would culminate in us hooking up. On my back porch at 2 am. On a school night. This would evolve into a sexual obsession from said boy, asking me to fulfill many fantasies. Pressuring me to have intercourse at which I would always draw the line. We would hook up. I would want a boyfriend. Nothing would happen. I would remain easy back porch girl until I could stand it no longer or he got bored. Whichever happened first. Rinse. Repeat. As many times as desired.
At first when I received this message I thought “wow that’s incredibly nice!” But then after I sent back a thank you message. He proceeded to say things like:
Are you still in school? What u up to these days other than modeling in hallways light by candle light giving some sexy ass looks hahaha (a reference to my facebook picture, taken by my roommate for her photography project.)
And so I’ve decided that this holding onto people because they aren’t all bad bullshit needs to be revised. Lies begone! Truth is right there in my in-box.