I do feel bad about that last post just there.
Not bad enough to take it down of course.
But as always I do feel bad.
I do this.
I’m afraid of rocking the boat, I’m afraid of confrontation, I’m afraid of doing only exactly what I want because I’m afraid to be selfish.
I also take on guilt that isn’t mine to burden.
Most often I feel these extreme pangs of guilt that my mom is sick. Which is, and will never be, my fault. It is nobody’s “fault” per say. But I still see her pain, and the shadow of my mother that is left and I just hurt for her. I feel bad that I’m living my life. Which is completely irrational. I can see that it is irrational. But I can’t stop myself from feeling it.
That is the fundamental problem. It always has been.
It is the reason I haven’t fallen asleep without a battle since I was 13.
I cannot shut my brain off.
I just can’t stop.
On Sunday my father more or less told me he was getting remarried.
I’ve known that this was coming for over a year. I’ve had lots of little discussions about it with myself. Lots of little pep talks about how I can’t be selfish. I can fully see that I am being wholly childish and irrational when I say I feel like I’m being abandoned. My rational self knows that my father would never ever abandon me. But what I do know is that my life is going to change.
I HATE CHANGE.
I really do. I like stable, constant things.
I know that my life is really not as hard as I always claim that it is.
I originally intended for this blog to be awesome. Funny and entertaining and irreverent.
It has turned of course into more of an online journal. Which is fine for now because I believe I have a grand total of 2 readers. But my New Years Resolution is to write a blog post EVERY SINGLE DAY OF 2011. Because 2011 is going to be my most interesting year yet. Graduating college, moving to a new state, shacking up with my significant other, finding a real big girl job, paying rent. I’m excited and fucking terrified and I’m going to document every day. I should write here that I’m counting posts even if they are just a youtube video, or one sentence long. But I am going to stick to it. Mark my words.