Done with the fall semester.
Which feels strange to type.
I’m home for winter break. Which is way less of a “break” for me since I’ll be in Chicago for most of it. It’s weird because it isn’t like I ever do anything “not relaxing” when I’m in Chicago. In a way it is more relaxing than being home, because I’m not doing my usual thing where I feel guilty because I’m relaxing and I offer to drive people to the airport or babysit or decide I need to make 17 jars of homemade jam.
But Chicago still feels like a vacation to me. At first. Of course after I’ve been there a couple days it feels a little more homey.
My constant struggle these days. Searching for the homey type feeling that I didn’t realize was important to me until it was too late.
I know I’m going about this all backwards. As a 21 year old soon to be college graduate I should be itching to get as far away from home as I can get. Dreaming of backpacking through Europe or something. And I know this makes me totally un-bohemian and maybe even a little bit stuck up but the idea of traveling somewhere and staying in gross hostel and carrying my belongings on my back totally turns me off.
I do remember feeling that way, like “I can’t wait to get out of this house and away from you!” before I went to college.
But lately I just kind of want to hide under the dining room table like I used to when I was 6. And then I think about how we have to sell the dining room set because the timing of selling my familial home couldn’t have come at a time when I was established and had a starter house to furnish.
I want to create some sort of stability for myself. And I’m not sure what that is going to mean. I know well enough by watching my boyfriend that pursuing your dream career, for the most part, does not a stable life make. And that is fine for him, he likes to travel and see new places. And I think for the most part he doesn’t obsess over the bad things that could happen. He gets angry at me all the time for always jumping to the worst possible conclusion. But that’s just me. I’m fire insurance.
I’m not as wild and crazy a person I had originally intended to grow up to be. I don’t really want a motorcycle as much as I want to want a motorcycle. And I’m afraid. Because college was perfect in many ways in that it had just enough predictability with some unpredictability thrown in for good measure. You pick a major you take the classes and you pass. And Oh you can change it up and move off campus poof a new experience! And when the sobering reality of buying your own toilet paper gets old you can get an internship and if you don’t like it you can change it but as long as you watch how you play the game you can pretty much predict the outcome.
But once that diploma is in my hands well its all up to me.
And I can say I’m planning to move to Chicago when I graduate all I want but there’s no application for moving in with your boyfriend. No “moving in with your boyfriend in a totally strange state half way across the country orientation” I guess you just kinda.. do it? And if they make a “how to make a major life change while still relatively keeping your sanity” book at Barnes and Noble well somebody buy it for me please!
I am going to make a good adult. This I know.
I’m responsible and I can cook for myself (regardless of what the prof says) and I like watching home improvement shows.
I’m just scared. I know I’m ready to like… go forth in the world. Not to brag but I would have been just fine on my own when I was 16. I’ve always been mature. I’ve always been the one people go to when they need advice. Besides a few suspect choices in men in my high school years I’ve made no colossal mistakes. (Oh! And there is that old fear that I’ve not had a big adolescent screw up so the other shoe is bound to drop!) I’ve never done a drug in my life save for accidentally taking my little brother’s ritalin once. I’ve never even been pulled over (AH OMG SOMEONE KNOCK WOOD FOR ME)
Ugh ok. Enough neuroses for once post.
In other news I am relatively sure I never have to take a “physical science” general education requirement again *gulp* at least I sincerely hope so…