If I want to see it, I know exactly where it is.
I navigate there quickly, just a few clicks and taps and then I let my morbid curiosity get the bet of me.
Its a compulsion really, nothing is gained or lost. My heart and mind don’t race like the first time, I just stare. I stare waiting for it to somehow come to life, to reach through the screen and make me sorry I peeked.
And in a way I am a little sorry.
A little disappointed at my complete lack of ability to control myself sometimes.
Go on, I say, go look at that thing that made you have emotions. Go on!
Just to see, just to see if its still there, if you get the same weird prickles on the back of your neck.
And if it does, it does. If it doesn’t well then that’s progress.
Am I doing my own sort of ill-advised online stalking exposure therapy?
Do I give myself PTSD with the power of my own brain and imagination?
Yeah. I think I do.
If I close my eyes I can see it perfectly, the image burned there. I don’t even really need to look. But I do anyway.