One of the ways in which I am positive that Maverick is my soul mate is the fact that we always pick the same house on house hunters.
When I wear my hair curly in the morning I have to let it air dry which takes forever. So to speed up the process I get in my car with extra time added on to my commute and blast the heat to an unbearable degree creating some sort of makeshift drying system. It works. But the moral of this story is that someone needs to gift me a diffuser for Chanukah. #curlygirlproblems
1. I wonder how high school teachers get through the day without a catheter. Starting with the early wakeup which requires caffeine, nature’s favorite diuretic and followed by a healthy three or four water bottles because you’re talking non-stop and the building is always so freaking dry you constantly have cottonmouth. By the end of every class I have to pee so bad I feel like I’m in an old lady incontinence commercial.
2. When I was in high school the prospect of going to see my headmaster for wrongdoing of some kind was TERRIFYING. I’m fairly certain that if a teacher had ever had reason to send me to the office I would have pooped my pants. POOPED. MY. PANTS. Kids today don’t seem particularly threatened by disciplinary action at all. In fact I swear some of them almost smile when you try to be stern or reprimand them (more on this later.)
3. Teenagers seem to hate being told where to sit more than anything else on earth.
4. If I can teach them only one thing during this whole internship, it would be that they are not fooling anyone by holding their cellphones in their laps under their desks. Nobody looks randomly at their crotch and smirks like that, in public at least.
5. Is there a name for the selective amnesia phenomenon that happens with students where you’re trying to explain something and they’re talking to their friend in the corner and you’re like “hey please stop talking, quiet coyote, 1 2 3 eyes on me” or some bullcrap and they act as if you’ve accused them of murder and in the most agitated voice a human can have they say “BUT I WASN’T TALKING!” And begin swearing on their lives, god, the bible, their mothers etc? Is there a name for this yet? Because there should be, considering the frequency with which it happens.
Miley, get your naked butt off of the wrecking ball, also nobody looks hot licking a sledgehammer like a soft serve ice cream cone. You certainly deserve a Nobel Peace Prize for doing the field work on that one.
Also, and I hate to say it.
People, no more flashmob proposals. No more renting out a movie theater and recreating your life together on the big screen. No more singing and dancing in Home Depot (even though I will readily admit I cried like a child watching that one.) But you’re taking a special moment and you’re making it a youtube spectacle and oh my god whatever happened to getting down on one old fashioned knee is a semi private location?
(or writing “will you marry me?” in glow in the dark stars on your beloved’s ceiling like some extremely creative 15 year old girl dreamed up?)
Let us stop generation shaming while we’re at it. Everyone’s gonna be fine. I promise. We just like cell phones and have high standards.