Dear Students,

As you know, I do not get paid to work here. That’s right. Three days out of the week I am here, toiling away, unpaid, getting sassed by you whippersnappers so that I can gain my licensure as a guidance counselor. Of course, I love every minute of it. But because I don’t get paid it leaves me with very little money to buy gifts for you this holiday season. Instead I offer you this advice:

1. Use the internet to your advantage. If you think you want to become a doctor, hop your cute little tush on google and learn about the amount of schooling it takes, or a little thing called the MCATS. Ditto for you kiddos interested in being a lawyer. One of you accused me of making up Medical School the other day and I didn’t know whether to laugh hysterically or curl up in a ball and cry. I’l put it this way, don’t be a dummy. Get informed. Ask people. Ask Jeeves, I don’t care.

2. Imaginative thinking isn’t going to get you anywhere. I’m not telling you to stop daydreaming about slaying dragons or inventing the holographic phone, no no no do that always. What I’m talking about are these sorts of conversations:

Me: Okay, so you’re failing all your classes right now because you haven’t passed in any homework….what are we going to do about this? Can we make a plan to help you get your homework done?

Student: Naw Miss, I passed all my classes last year and didn’t do no homework, I’m not gonna do homework.

Me: Yeah…you passed with like D’s…and you had to go to summer school.

Student: *shrugs.*

Me: Didn’t you tell me you want to go to college?

Student: Yeah

Me: What do you want to major in?

Student: Sports Management.

Me: So….you know that college requires you to do homework, right?

Student: Yeah I’ll do homework then obviously.

Me: What is going to be different then that is going to make you do homework if you can’t do it now?

Student: I’m a very adaptable person Miss.

Me: Okay, great well I suggest you adapt to doing homework now. Today.

The notion that things will magically be different in two years without any effort from you is ludicrous. Stop doing this immediately.

3. Say please and thank you for the love of god you mannerless heathens.

4. Google what smoking pot and cigarettes does your body and brain cells. Consider cutting back, consider quitting.

5. Its never too late. Never too late to apologize, never too late to pass a paper in for half credit, never too late to turn over a new leaf. Just do it and try to forget your past transgressions.

6. When you ask me to go to the bathroom with a bag of chips and sandwich in your hand, I know that you are trying to break cafeteria rules. I was not born yesterday.