At dinner tonight I remarked how everything felt so stagnant and awful and why aren’t I graduated with a career and a down payment for a condo yet goddammit?!
But then in the same breath I mentioned how much I hate change.
I hate to say I’m profound, and I’m totally not. But I think I maybe got to the root of my own problems in one fell swoop.
Everything is very limbo right now. Everything is push pull and a constant stream of I want I want I want.
I need to do two things.
1. Recognize and accept
two different things that everything, save for death morbid much? is temporary.
For example the last month or so E has been going through a phase of some kind. She was having a really, really, hard time going down for her naps and whenever I or her parents left she cried like the world was ending. She was extra clingy on outings when normally she was outgoing and self-assured. She was acting scared of her aunts who she normally adores. A separation anxiety phase thing, a totally normal 17 month thing. The worst part of all of this was definitely the nap situation. She had also started trying to climb out of her crib which…DANGER on top of being inconvenient. Her parents and I had all these conversations with much hand wringing about how to solve the situation because clearly she needed to nap but she also needed to not split her head open etc. In the end we figured out a system that worked and every naptime was filled with adrenaline and lots of baby wailing. Eventually things got better and that horrible month of phasiness has shifted. Today she went down for her nap calmly, almost happily. She woke up two hours later and I picked her up and we sat in the rocking chair and snuggled. She said “Love lamby” referring to her lovely she sleeps with/ I let her hold while we’re in the rocking chair waking up. She pointed out all the butterflies in her room and smiled. She heard kids playing outside and said “Kids! kids! See Them!” So we went to the window and looked outside, her little head on my shoulder and her little hand clutching my arm like a baby monkey.
I thought to myself, man, this life shit really is all temporary, the good stuff and the bad stuff. This could be good news for you if you’re weathering a shit-storm or have a hangnail. Bad if you’re in a dream situation and wild with happiness, or are enjoying a carnival corn dog at this moment. Everything is fleeting.
2. Take stock of the good things I have, currently. I GOT THE SUN IN THE MORNING AND THE MOON AT NIGHT. THAT’S FOR YOU TROY.