I’m currently sitting on a Megabus.

I’m miserable. Freezing cold from the AC I have no control over, a little motion sick, and still a hefty 2ish hours from home.

I’m writing this to remind myself, that even though driving on your own to NYC is a pain, it is a pain under your own control and schedule. You control the AC and can stop at any time or place to get air cuz you feel pukey.

FUTURE SARAH; HEED THIS WARNING. PAY THE TOLLS AND BUY THE GAS, YOU’RE WORTH IT.

Though learning to not take the ever-loving Megabus to NYC is a valuable lesson to learn it isn’t the lesson I was thinking of when I opened this itty bitty post on my phone.

So, I basically had an awesome (if not rainy and whirlwindish) trip to NYC. I got to spend real quality time with people I love so much, I did a ton of walking, bought a cute top on sale at the Gap, sat outside and read a book for pleasure, saw a broadway show, slept like a baby on my cousin’s couch, got random hair compliments on the street, and ate a multitude of awesome and delicious food including but not limited to: bagels with scallion bad breath cream cheese with my beloved Troy, a fruit and cheese plate, corn on the cob and shrimp tacos from Cafe Habana which Talia and Stephen were kind enough to wait until the ungodly hour of 9pm to eat with me, a fair amount of whiskey with lime and ginger ale, 2am pepperoni pizza, and of course BRUNCH. Brunch was especially wonderful because Tim and Ross came, and seeing them together and happy makes me giddy. I was also lucky enough to squeeze in a special rainy walk with my girl Linda wherein we ranted and raved about all things wedding as the season is approaching with rapid speed, Sam I’m supposed to tell you that you’re expected to ask Linda’s dad for her hand JUST FYI.

Anyway. What I mean to say, is that even though I technically can’t afford to gallivant around NYC, I was able to enjoy myself immensely and it was cleansing for my soul.

Then I got on the bus and my mind wandered to my favorite anxiety du jour: job hunting. And I had such a toxic thought, a thought I’ve had many times before:

Because you took this trip and had fun and spent money you aren’t going to get a job.

I actually have a horrible theory that the universe will only reward me with the things I want if I’m constantly sacrificing and being my best self. When I was looking for a nanny job once I went to the gym more than usual because I decided that would make me “good enough.”

It’s a hard pill for me to swallow that the only control I have over my destiny right now is filling out job applications and writing cover letters to the best of my ability. That and as much networking as I can do. Mini trips away or trips to the gym won’t make a difference (except to my sanity and health.)

I do work hard and I know I’m not a lazy person (except when it comes to going to the gym.) I have drive and ambition and some cautious confidence. Something will break sometime somewhere, even if it’s not on my ideal time line, until then I’m stuck contorted on a mental MegaBus.

I also hope I’m not alone in this line of thinking. One of you out there has to know this woeful thought process too.

LE SIGH.

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