7:48pm I set up shop in my living room, put on channel 4. Suffer through immensely boring 60 minutes episode about asteroids. I have my “Tony Dinner” ready and waiting. Tony dinner is obviously queso dip, tortilla chips, and a pound of strawberries.
7:56pm Tony commercial airs, apparently TI is performing? Weird.
8:00pm tony’s start, possibly only theater event that ever starts on time. Hugh Jackman is hopping….all the way down to the stage.
8:01pm he’s still hopping, I think my legs would have died.
8:03pm Still hopping.
8:04pm This is the most boring Tony Opening Number EVER. Ugh. Feel as though I’m not part of the joke. Hopping? Hopping Aussie Kangaroo? Why the awful beard?
8:05pm A performance from After Midnight. Already automatically better than Hugh. Costumes with fringe, always nice.
8:06pm Tap Dancing. WHEEE!
8:08pm Hugh joins the tap dance, perhaps this about showcasing his calf power?
8:10pm Hugh continues to be “meh.”
8:12pm Anna Gunn forgets how to read.
8:14pm Someone wins a Tony and I don’t know who he is. His speech is boring and already too long.
8:15pm Emmy Rossum looks fly. Time for Les Mis! LAY MIS ER AHB LAH.
8:16pm ONE DAY MORE!!!! Of course.
8:24pm Hugh reminds us he was hopping for 4 minutes straight. I didn’t forget.
8:26pm Lena Hall wins wearing a bat for a dress and she cries which is kinda awesome! Also loved that she pulled her speech out of her cleavage. I think she will regret hunching over like that to get to the mic though.
8:29pm Aladdin performance. Looks cute. I like Aladdin’s abs. I can’t help but feel this is really boring as well. Am I ruined? Why is everything so boring.
8:31pm The Genie is out of breath and trying to do a weird disney medley. Turns out he’s an excellent tap dancer though.
8:40pm Groff is Hot. I’m Hot for Groff.
8:40pm Idina’s name was pronounced correctly! Her mouth opens so wide when she sings I feel like I could crawl inside.
8:42pm VOCAL RiiiiiiFFFffffffffFFFFFffff
8:43pm Big Finish!
8:44pm Clint looks like someone defrosted him for the Tony broadcast.
8:48pm Yay! Raisin in the Sun wins!
8:49pm Denzel Denzel Denzel, Thank you Thank you Thank you, he shouts out theater ed!
8:50pm Samuel L says “I love you.” Feels like it might be to me.
8:51pm Rocky is a musical, nothing is original anymore. But I do love dramatic spotlights and jump rope.
8:58pm The nanny looks AMAZE. Also as if her hair piece is holding her face up.
8:59pm A camera man operator gets fired for gazing upon Nick Cordero too long. Fran handles it like a pro though, never stop! Show must go on!
9:00pm The Genie I was bashing previously wins for best actor in a musical…..I wasn’t Tony Award impressed.
9:01pm Maggie killed a gaggle of baby swans for her dress, can’t decide if I love it or hate it.
9:02pm WILKOMMEN. I love this show. SQUEE! I BOW DOWN TO ALAN.
9:04pm Kicklines are so satisfying. This is the first performance of the night that was actually exciting.
9:10pm Everyone is wearing long sleeved dresses, it be humid out!
9:11pm BLIMEY! I work with proper proper actors.
9:13pm Quick change magic!
9:16pm I haven’t seen the Gentleman’s Guide musical and I’m BORED with this performance.
9:18pm Neil Patrick Harris is promised again, as they go to commercial break. WHEN IS NEIL. BRING MY NEIL.
9:24pm Hugh is singing a song, and shouts out Audra, song is to present best lead actress in a play!
9:25pm AUDRA wins, all is right with the world. 6 Tonys! All deserved. What a goddess. She cries and is humble and I just love her.
9:26pm Will Swenson cries for Audra. I cry for Audra. Oh the Joy!
9:27pm Also what is that ring she’s wearing because I want it?
9:29pm Will Walt Win?
9:29pm WALT wins. Nobody is that surprised.
9:32pm Ru Paul introduces Hedwig which seems correct
9:33pm NPH. N P H. He climbs things in high heeled boots and looks terrifying. Bravo!
9:35pm I’m thinking this Lena chick is AMAZING and deserved to win the Tony.
9:36pm I really wanna give Neil a cheeseburger though.
9:40pm I’m yawning.
9:45pm Harvey voice still sounds like a raspy cheese grater
9:47pm Debra Messing has an Irish Accent
9:48pm Colonel Sanders wins a Tony
9:50pm Ben declares award shows “too fucking long.” Yeah.
9:51pm Sutton Foster looks so weird without makeup. She’s a proud plain jane.
9:52pm I am always a sucker for a gospel choir.
10:01pm I am restless.
10:02pm Sting I guess.
10:03pm Sting plays guitar and I am BORED.
10:07pm PATRICK WILSON IS HANDSOME.
10:08pm A Raisin in the Son wins best play. I haven’t seen it but I still remember reading it in my 9th grade english class.
10:10pm Wicked, I am Wicked Bored. But I am reminded how we made our English teacher a table with these lyrics underneath a piece of glass when we graduated and now I’m sorta crying.
10:11pm This bitch is too pretty to be Elephaba.
10:19pm Hugh does a one man Music Man. I fantasize about shaving his beard.
10:20pm TI and LL Cool J are rapping about the music man. I might be drunk.
10:22pm NPH wins his Tony! Well deserved I think.
10:25pm NPH is great, but this speech be too long.
10:26pm Carole King! You go girl!
10:30pm CAROLE IS SINGING YAY!!!!!!!!
10:31pm This performance has resurrected me
10:38pm I am dead again. The chick next to Kevin Bacon is wearing a beaded couch.
10:39pm LAY MIZ ERRR AHHHHB LE.
10:39pm Hedwig wins best revival. I actually don’t even care.
10:41pm Zach Braff suddenly sounds like Fraiser now that he’s on broadway.
10:42pm Tap dancing again. The Shim Sham makes a comeback this year I guess.
10:45pm Glass Menagerie is dream come true (said by sullen award recipient.)
10:47pm Too bored. Too full to eat more cheese dip.
10:49pm HUGH STOP SINGING THE NOMINEES I NEED TO GO TO BED.
10:50pm Pretty Sutton!
10:53pm Jessie Mueller wins the Tony! Again, well deserved! Hugh made her do the running man!
10:56pm “Everyone wants a drink, so thank you, good night!” AMEN
10:57pm Tina Fey is wearing a Oil Slick.
11:00pm ITS NOT OVER DEAR GOD HOW IS IT NOT OVER
11:03pm PLEASE GOD ROSIE O’DONNEL DELIVER ME
11:04pm A musical I don’t know won, HOORAY. It is over.