presence strengthens it. “
I’d say that for about a month before the Prof asked me to be his girlfriend I thought about it at least three times a day. By then I knew I loved him. And I had “loved” guys in the past. Except in the past I was misconstruing the adrenaline rush you get from making out feverishly in the middle of August for three hours, as “love.” But the Prof lived far away and at the time our relationship was built on a foundation of phone conversations that went long into the night. I would go down the hall of my dorm and lay out on the carpet on my back and prop my feet up against the floor to ceiling window while we talked about everything and anything. Anything to keep us on the phone longer. I remember seeing my reflection like that once and thinking I must have looked like one of the girls in the telephone hour song in Bye Bye Birdie. I wanted to get pinned!
One night as we were hanging up I had this sudden and strong urge to say “I love you.” That is when my brain went into overdrive thinking about how I could make it official. I had just come off a 5 year wait and see game with a guy I was, admittedly, crazy about. He hadn’t wanted a relationship or more specifically he hadn’t wanted a relationship with me. I was convinced that if I was patient, didn’t nag and didn’t push he would eventually come to his senses and realize what a wonderful girlfriend I’d make.
**** PSA to any high school aged girl who might be reading this:
IF YOU GIVE HIM BLOWJOBS WHENEVER HE CALLS HE WILL NOT ASK YOU TO BE HIS GIRLFRIEND. HE WILL SAVE THIS TITLE FOR THE GIRL WHO HAS EITHER ENOUGH SELF RESPECT OR “MAN KNOWLEDGE” TO HOLD OUT. EVERY TIME. YOUR SITUATION IS NOT SPECIAL. HE SEES YOU AS A GOOD TIME AND NOTHING MORE. IF HE SAYS HE “LOVES YOU” WHILE YOU ARE IN A COMPROMISING POSITION IT DOES NOT COUNT. I REPEAT IT DOES NOT COUNT.
***** thank you
But he never did come to his senses. And in a way it was not entirely his fault. Was he taking advantage? Yes. But he had made it clear he didn’t want to be my boyfriend and I was foolish to only hear what I wanted to hear. I was terrified the Prof would resign me to the same fate. After all he was so many miles away, if he wanted to get rid of me it would be simple, just stop returning my calls. Looking at it logically a guy who was looking for a throw away good time girl wouldn’t likely stay on the phone with her for upwards of three hours a night. But what can I say? I was fragile.
When he finally asked me if I would be his girlfriend (I’m ashamed to say this but I can’t remember the exact way he worded it. As soon as he started to ask I was so overwhelmed by how happy I was…I sort of blacked out) and I said yes before I could even think about what having a boyfriend who lived a 1000 miles away would mean.
I do not regret my decision in the least. I like to think that if we can make it through something as difficult as this (and trust me it is DIFFICULT) we can probably make it through a hell of a lot more.
That being said, this summer is really really really testing me. My two good friends here have their significant others here with them for the summer. For example tonight I hung out with my good friend A and his girlfriend J. They were very kind to invite me out with them to try the new crepe place in town and even took me back to A’s apartment to watch a movie with them. I always feel bad doing this but I had no choice as my ugly roommate turned 21 and was having a dork festival in my living room to celebrate. I wanted out of the house.
I hate watching happy couples hold hands. Or speak in secret joke code to each other. And as I stared at the TV watching Sandra Bullock be the best mother in the history of the universe (that is a whole ‘nother blog post for a whole ‘nother day.) I could see them sneaking cheek kisses.
And it just pulls me at me. I wait patiently for the warm embrace of my cell phone ringing with his name flashing across the screen. Of the peck on the cheek of an email. Or if I’m lucky the french kiss of a video chat session. The hand squeeze of a card in the mail.
This is so much harder than I ever thought it would be.
Actually I didn’t really think about how hard it would be until a few days after he asked me to be his girl. I sat up in his bed and sobbed in a very loud and alarming way, lamenting that “This is never going to be easy!!!!” Thank god he stuck around after that grand episode (the first of many sob sessions.)
But the fact that in that moment, I didn’t even think about it, just said “YES” (or something like that? Do you even remember what I said? Sorry I suck at remembering!) I actually find comforting. Because I OVER-THINK everything. And thankfully, somewhere in my brain, or maybe my gut, I knew there was only one good answer.